Vulnerability, Self, & Oneness

The following videos were shared with me by my friends – and they have truly changed my life. Thandie Newton & Brene Brown discuss the topics of vulnerability, self, and oneness with such clarity and soulfulness! In a world where we are born into “oneness” we quickly learn how to create “self” in order to navigate the social world – but that self is not necessarily who we are. Our “self” is shaped, for better or worse, by the people in our lives and experiences that we have. We develop a sense of “self” in order to survive/fit in, but more than that to escape having to think about the inevitable – death.

In order to truly connect with others we must challenge our “selves” to be vulnerable, to live authentically, and to find oneness again! It is most important to realize that “we are enough” – just as we are. We must give up on the idea of who we are “supposed to be” or what others “want us to be” and acknowledge who we really are. I was watching Oprah one day and I remember Kenny Rogers shared this really cool idea: “We are all three people – The person we think we are, the person others think we are, and the person we really are.” I have thought about this many times since watching the program and it makes such perfect sense now!!

Perception is always reality, but perceptions are not always truth. In other words, someone may perceive me and make a judgment based on how I walk, talk, or an action that I have taken; while that may be their truth, it may not be accurate. For example: Many times people have made snap judgments (positive and negative) about me based on my appearance on Make Me a Supermodel, my Playgirl Magazine spread, or other projects. While these perceptions and judgments are valid to them – it does not make them truth. In fact, as a society we love to make snap judgments about people, especially those we see on TV, but unless we actually meet them to confirm our perceptions – with what evidence can we really ground our findings?

I have recently discovered, that as a young man that happens to be gay, I have been suffering from “Best Child in the World Syndrome” or BCWS for short. Basically, growing up different from a majority of my peers with regards to my sexuality has challenged me to create a “self” that would “fit-in”. We all want to fit in, to be accepted, and to know that we are loved; after-all it is ALL about being “connected”. When that connection is threatened our brains are smart enough to tweak and manipulate our “self” to be more likable, understood, and mainstream. When we make those adjustments of “self” we may feel a temporary sense of comfort because our desired result of acceptance is achieved, but in reality we are not living authentically. This is when shame and guilt set in – a sense of having to hide and the thought of ” I hope they don’t discover the real me” pops into our minds; we begin to live in a state of FEAR. This fear is limiting and keeps us imprisoned in our fabricated sense of self that only prolongs the journey to “oneness”.

I personally can look back at the past 14 years, let’s call them my “Out Years”, and reflect on all the times I tried to be the best at everything, to be perfect, to win over everyone’s affection; all this in hopes that they wouldn’t judge me or simply label me “Gay” and be done with it. I always knew that I had more to offer the world, but how would the world ever know if they discounted me simply because of the gender of the person with whom I fell in love. I didn’t understand my sexuality anymore than the next person – in fact many nights I used to cry and pray it away. I hated my “self” and wanted nothing more to simply be “normal” or like everyone else. In trying to over-compensate for what I felt to be a horrible curse, I lost who I really was along the way. My deep desire to be loved and to fit-in took me off the path of truth and I found myself living in a house built on quicksand – that would inevitably sink. It manifested itself in poisonous and toxic ways – ways that were not only self-destructive, but hurt others around me too.

It wasn’t until I could accept my sexuality as a gift, rather than a curse, that I finally discovered my true “self” – my authentic being. Even now, although I have made much progress – it is still not enough. Being an openly gay actor/model in a very “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Hollywood” I still find myself hiding from who I am simply out of fear of not being accepted or cast in a project. At the end of the day, it is still “Show Business”, which means most decisions are based on Middle-America’s willingness to buy a movie ticket. It is my hope that as I continue to learn and develop my craft that I will have opportunities not only to work on incredible LGBT related projects (like the ones that I have already had the privilege to work on), but to one day soon have the chance to work on studio films. I can do my part to work towards “oneness”, but it takes a village. We all have parts of our “selves” that we don’t necessarily understand, that we label as “bad”, or that we hide because of what others may say or think about us; but is hiding these parts of us worth losing the abundance that we deserve and the happiness that the Universe wants each of us to know? If we want acceptance we must strive to be more accepting of others. If we want love, we must learn how to love. If we want to connect, we must allow our “selves” to be vulnerable and open to connection.

Change and growth begins with our “selves”. Are you happy with your current “self”? Why or why not? What things can you do or stop doing to improve your sense of “self”? Life is too short to live in fear, to be held imprisoned by the limitations of others, or to live in a fabricated world of “selves”. I am committed to doing my part to achieve “oneness’ and to challenge my “self” to live authentically, but the question is will you do the same? Imagine a world in which all of our “selves” would resonate with a warm, loving, and accepting energy. A world no longer disconnected from truth and drowning its fears with mind-numbing pharmaceuticals. A world that was vulnerably beautiful and living together as “ONE”…

Photo Credit: Tom Hafner-Elicerio