Why would you Bully Me?

by Ronnie on September 23, 2011

http://www.iamantiviolence.org

Bullying can happen to anyone. It can be name-calling, harassment, threats, or physical attacks. Bullying is violence. Together we can end violence against lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer people.

The Anti-Violence Project teamed up with Underdog Entertainment to produce a series of Public Service Announcements to bring awareness to the growing problem of anti-LGBTQ violence. Watch the PSA’s, visit the links below and get involved. Bullying is violence.
PSA directed by Daniel Azarian.

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Hold my hand, I am there.

by Ronnie on September 15, 2011

September 15th, 2011

Today is not just any day – in fact, it is one of the most challenging and emotional ones I have had in a long time. While the entire world mourned the tragedies that happened on September 11th, 2001 – my family was also going through a far more personal struggle. We watched the continuing news coverage of the World Trade Center attacks from the bedside of my Grandma Lee in her Intensive Care Unit. She was heavily sedated to reduce the pain from an unfortunate and unstoppable infection – coming in and out of consciousness for moments long enough to acknowledge our presence and to catch a few words from the newscast. A large tube down her throat that kept her hanging on and a certain unrest in her soul – she was not about to give up without a fight. Most times we were uncertain if she even knew who we were, but there was no real way for her to communicate with us between the tube and the heavy sedation.

As I write this blog, I can smell the sterilized hospital equipment – I can hear the sounds of the heart monitor – I can see my Mom and my Aunt holding on to one another – trying to make sense of everything that was going on. Halfway through the evening things started to take a serious turn for the worse. Our neighborhood Pastor, John Clemens, was asked to come and do the final rights as he had been a friend of the family for many years. I had to ask myself, “Was this all really happening”? My Grandma – the fighter, a World War II veteran, the woman that looked fear and adversity in the face and scoffed – was losing the battle. This couldn’t be happening – one of my best friends was slowly being taken from me- and there was nothing I or anyone else could do. I was 18 years old – I had just started my first semester of college, and everything seemed to change in my world in a matter of 4 days.

My Grandma was the kind of Woman that you wanted in your corner – she never took anybody’s crap. She was always the first person to stand up for the underdog if they were being bullied or abused – and she certainly wasn’t afraid of throwing a punch. She was what you would call a feisty one; a good smoke in one hand and an Old Style Beer in the other was contentment on a warm Chicago Summer Day – well, any day really!

I couldn’t stand to watch her lying there in so much pain – watching my Mom’s heart break as she had to sign the DNR forms that would ultimately leave Mother Nature to her business without human interference. I had to wonder, “Was Grandma even still in there”? I had to know…so, I grabbed her hand in mine and placed the other calmly on her head to stroke her hair – “Grandma, if you can hear me – please just give me some sort of a sign that you know we are here with you and that you are not alone. We love you so much, please – just give us something. All of a sudden, she shot upright in the bed and with a clear sense of purpose transcended the affects of the drugs for a moment – long enough to grab my hand tightly and speak through the restrictive muffling of the ventilator – “I am always with you – everything is going to be OK”. Even as she was losing her battle, Grandma found a way to teach what would be the final lesson, or the importance of knowing that her worldly death did not mean the death of her spirit, but rather her spirit would live on in all the lives that she touched with her magnetic presence. I could not personally handle being there as she drew her final breath – it was too much, so I went home only to receive a phone call a few hours later that she had passed.

Memories flooded my brain – grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup while I watched Sally Jesse Raphael, the leopard print coat, the silly wigs, the pickled cucumber salad, singing like barnyard animals, the time I threw smoke bombs into the apartment and scared the hell out of her, Friday nights at The Lawrence House – dancing, playing guitar, singing, My Way by Frank Sinatra, The day she told my BF that he had better treat me right otherwise he would be in serious trouble, family dinners, denture creams and powders aplenty, falling down the stairs like baby tumbles and not feeling a thing, decorating Christmas Trees, crossword puzzles, the radio on full blast, the loan for the lemonade stand, scratch off tickets, stories of Mitzi Marie and Snoopy, the potato chip trail to her bedroom, the thought of eating chicken AGAIN, the deep red lipstick, the smell of white diamonds…

To this day I truly believe that Grandma sends me signs – to let me know that she really is here, but I have to be available to acknowledge them. We must remain open and purposefully create time to talk with those that we lost- have conversations at length and be aware of the subtle ways they speak to us. More importantly, we must take time to nurture the relationships that we currently have with our loved ones and not take them for granted. While we never know what tomorrow holds, we can choose to live in the moment and seize every opportunity to love and be loved – it’s all that really matters at the end of the day. I am forever thankful for the influence my Grandma had in my life, but the greatest gift she ever gave me – truly and forever will be, my Mom. It has been 10 years to the day – and we will never forget her memory – she is always ‘there’ – holding our hand.

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Cage the Rage and Smile.

by London Villamayor on September 10, 2011

So long story short I had a customer verbally assault me today because I wouldn’t return his final sale item. It was sort of epic, reminiscent of a child’s terrible two tantrum. All I could do was smile.

It’s kinda sad and humorous at the same time how he flipped the script in seconds realizing how much of a jerk he was being. Not that I needed to be rescued by my manager approached calmed him down doing the return and learned of his no good, very bad day… cause clearly its the go to excuse to act like a jerk. Anyway afterwards she came up to me and asked if I was OK. I smiled again and I said “I’m perfect, no one can ruin my day except for me.” It was my Oprah Ah-Ha moment…

It amazes me how often we as people find ourselves in the “heat of the moment” acting like jerks or letting others make us feel less than amazing just because we can’t cage the rage. That by having a horrible day with all its variables allows for some free pass some all powerful viable excuse to be hurtful to others, when in reality it’s up to us.

It’s true no one can make you feel a certain way unless you first all them to. If things aren’t quite going your way, sure its easier said than done to flip the script and make it better, but it’s kinda the truth. Life’s what you make of it. If you want to vacay in the valley of woes me… and sometimes we just can’t avoid it. However, there comes a time when you’ve got to know that it’s all just a state of mind.

Clearly I’m not some super brain or certified in council, but I’ve learned through my actions, mistakes, my feelings, etc… that sometimes to cage the rage we’ve got to just smile.  Maybe it’s just me?

 

 

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Angel Readings with the King of Heart

by Ronnie on September 7, 2011

So, when I was growing up with one of my oldest and dearest pals, Christian, we used to spend a lot of time at the beach, swimming, making s’mores, riding bikes, horseback riding, and other cool “kid stuff”. But, what really stands out in my mind was the spirituality and positive energy that his Mom, Grace, would share with us via special card readings, or “Angel Readings” – aka Celestial Wisdom Cards.

Celestial Wisdom Cards are not Tarot Cards – they do not tell your future, but rather they offer guidance and insight. The power and the magic behind the readings came from Angels, but the effectiveness of the read all depended on the open mind of the person being read and the healing energy of the card reader. It became tradition that we would take turns giving one another readings and always found it to be spiritually and physically uplifting – it was something we all truly looked forward to and enjoyed.

Now, I would like to share the energy of “Angel Readings” with all of you! I was able to get my hands on a set of these special cards and have created a special page here at RonnieKroell.com that you will be able to visit and reserve your own special Angel Reading. While I will be living in Los Angeles, CA – most reads will be done in that area, but I of course would be willing and able to negotiate travel to a place that is convenient for you. These readings are very powerful, healing, andtherapeutic – so, I take them very seriously.

If you are serious about receiving some spiritual guidance/healing and have an open mind – then please click on this link, RESERVE MY ANGEL READING.

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The Sum of his Parts

by London Villamayor on September 7, 2011

Oftentimes I wonder what it would take for me to come across that seemingly perfect [for me at least] male specimen… the one man that is just right for me. I’ve compiled lists, traits, characteristics, and specifications as to who that would or could be.

The right stature, athleticism, carriage, sex appeal, humor, wisdom, charm, charisma, values, faith, strength, sensitivity, fashion sense, creativity… the list goes on and on. At the end of it all I find myself utterly clueless to men, and rightly so. How does one separate a “good on paper” list of qualities from the essence of a real live person? I want to discover and explore the sum of his parts, one day.

I mean granted, I haven’t exactly met or have been put in the situation to meet that person [correction I do get put into those situations but I'm such a spaz when it comes to guys], but it also comes down to how utterly clueless I feel when I’m attracted to them.

This is difficult, trying to decipher how one builds up the courage to do these sorts of things I mean really, it freaks me the Eff out. le sigh. I don’t know what-the-chuck I’m doing.

I think that I’ve lost my muchness [c/oBurton's Mad Hatter], or maybe I never had it to begin with? IDK I take a deep breath to say hi and the fight or flight response just kicks in. I think it’s a fear of rejection… or getting hurt in the sense that I don’t want to end up on the news as an agenda.

So am I’m writing this very blog I’m sitting next to a glorious foreign specimen [I want to say he's Russian or maybe Czech] in the near wee hours of the night trying to muster the courage to give him a very juvenile note with my digits and a potential invite to coffee, a part of my smiles with excitement and the other part of me continues to hesitate and think that it’s too forward.

When exactly does one find the balance between the two; to find it in themselves to make it known that “hey I like you and we should talk sometime.” Is it really that easy, I mean you see and hear about people doing it all the time; just that initial meet or whatever?

I guess at the end of the day, I’m not quite sure who it is I am looking for; however the glittering generalities have always been a starting point. The list if you will, of all the little quirks I say that I’m attracted to, but even that list is subjective. Because really I have a fickle crush quota when it comes to guys I find attractive, clearly case and point the glorious foreigner still sitting next to me.

I don’t know; I’ve barely gotten this idea that guys shouldn’t have to do all the work. Whatever that means? I mean really it’s confounding. Clearly I’m a late bloomer.

A Friend:  ”Here are you’re wings! NOW FLY! FLY!”

I WANT to fly, really I do. Am I making sense anymore, maybe I should just call it a night. BTW I’m going to give him the note, so wish me luck. :) be Loved.

ps… this blog was NOT written by Ronnie lol love ya Ronnie.

pps… gave him the note spazzed out and darted before he could say anything I’m such a coward. le sigh.

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ION ARIZONA – INTERVIEW

by Ronnie on September 1, 2011

Thank you to the incredible folks at ION Arizona – especially the charming Deon Brown! I truly appreciate all the support, thoughtful questions, and brilliant feature. I am excited to embark upon my journey from NYC to LA to focus on more films! It is because of the incredible support of my friends, family, and fans that I get to do my work in the world…learning and growing everyday. Keep following your dreams guys- anything is possible…with hard work and determination.

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Keep your Money, I want Change…

by London Villamayor on September 1, 2011

In my lifetime, clearly I’m not going to deny that one day [preferably in the very near future] I’d like to rich and famous, command attention, and be a star. However, in my heart of hearts there’s so much more I strive for. I want to be a voice strong of convictions to effect change.

Change- to make the form, nature, content, future course etc., of [something] different from what it is or what it would be if left alone: to change one’s name; to change one’s opinion; to change the course of history.

Change- It’s an epic goal on top of everything else I’d like to accomplish with my life. In this the world often ruled by the almighty dollar, I say keep your money… I want change.

If you’ve read my previous entries you’ll have been well versed on who I am and the person I want to become. This entry is no different. As a “trans” human I’ve never felt as if I belonged to the general population. Often I felt and continue to feel [on occasions] alone even when I was/am surround by a group of people. As I’ve grown significantly older, and in someways wiser I would hope to become a positive public voice for those who are in search, curious about, or struggling to find their voice among the roar of carbon copied dilettante.

In a world where everyone seems to have an opinion that deviates or dictates the status-quo; a person can become lost in the seas of he said she said…

Fighting for acceptance in a world that hates you is, in a nutshell, the story of my life. Where to begin. Not surprisingly, school especially high school was the cliche love/hate relationship. Saying I was confused would be an understatement, I was utterly clueless as to who I was or supposed to be in high school. Coming off the heels of divorce; I ended up going to three very different high schools, and for the most part I floated under the radar, or so I thought. That is, until I “trans”-fered to my second high school where, for the first time, I attempted to live [knowingly] as a girl.

I was androgynous; taking feminine cultural cues from TV shows like Popular and movies like Clueless; it seemed to be effortless in the beginning.  People seemed to really like me and care to take me under their wings. Girls loved playing with my mane and talking about boys, and most guys treated me like their little sister, which made me more frenemies with girls and started my churn on the rumor mill.

My parents were oblivious, it was completely liberating. However, toward the end of the school year the principal called me into his office as the rumored discussion among some students and teachers began to surface. He made me feel like a criminal, interrogating me. Asking me if  I was gay or some little pervert [not his exact words, but might as well have been.] I mean, yes I lied through my teeth, but technically no one ever asked me to my face nor did I ever confirm or deny being a boy or girl.

How was I supposed to know? It’s not as if I ever had any cultural reference about what it meant to be gay or transgender for that matter. I didn’t know what to do…

He told me I was to return in the fall semester as a boy and was adamant about wanting to talk to my parents. i claimed they were out of the country so to this day i have no clue whether or not they ever found out.  Needless to say I begged to move to a new school and start fresh, and that I did.

My last high school was by far the least privileged of the three, but I found my passion for performance as well as a teacher and peers to nurture those passions. I found my voice on stage as I sung and acted with every beat of my heart, but I still found myself feeling I wasn’t completely and equivocally the authentic me. I wish I was brave enough in high school to say “this is me.”

Now that I know who I am striving to become, I think I’ve poised myself to become a positive public voice for other transgender or questioning teens. Yes, there is a lot of ignorance and hate towards the general public’s perception of what it means to be transgender, but it is not something to fear, it’s just “different.” It is me striving for change.

Sure I don’t have all the answers, and yes I’m still learning. However, I know in my jar of hearts that I’ve finally come to a place where I can be me. At the end of the day, I want trans teens, and frankly everyone to know that they are not alone. Education= that in and of itself would be an epic change. Regardless of you status or station in life we are all human. We breathe, we bleed. and are all pink on the inside.

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INTO THE LION’S DEN

by Ronnie on August 26, 2011

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American Cancer Society

by Ronnie on August 16, 2011

Thanks to Tom Shaffer, the highest bidder/donor of $2500 to the American Cancer Society via my online auction! I personally wanted to drop off the donation check in New York City – so I met with Francine Miller, regional coordinator and all around amazing woman. Little did I know that what was going to be a half an hour trip turned into a wonderfully amazing 3.5 hour afternoon; filled with amazing people, great food, music, and lots of laughs.

I truly am so deeply inspired by the work of the American Cancer Society and all of their volunteers. Thank you to all that participated in the auction, your support is a true blessing. Please watch the video below!

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Like a Virgin

by London Villamayor on August 16, 2011

As I return to the real world post birthday hoop-lah high, I have come to the point in my life where I would love to really fall in love. Whatever that means. Everyone deserves to be loved right? This year I’ve definitely come into my own and taken steps to find love, but unfortunately I seem to consistently hit a wall that honestly, I’m not sure whether I’m strong enough to overcome.

Things you should know: [1] I’ve never been in a relationship EVER, [2] I’m a virgin SERIOUSLY V-CARD carrier, [3] I’ve never been kissed [at least one that one would count]. Le sigh I know it’s sad, but true. Everyone I’ve ever shared this information with has laughed with both sarcasm and skepticism. Clearly the preconceived stereotypical notions of who I am supposed to be significantly outweigh my personal “prude-ery” as others have stated.

I for one don’t consider myself a prude, my mind is chop full of double entondras, “that’s what she said’s”, blips of porn, and the graphic details of stories I’ve been confided over the years from my more sexually capable friends. I consider myself a Virginal SEX-pert LOL.  If that’s possible. The fact of the matter is that [1] I still believe in finding a romantical kind of love that’ll sweep me off my feet and [2] I’m deathly afraid to take that step while still confined to my foreign anatomical appendage. I mean yes I would like to take that step, however another part of me wants to wait for when my mind and body are on the same wave length… Am I making sense?

[1] Romantical: I think Katy Perry stated it best “If it’s not like the movies, that’s how it should be, YEAH…” Whatever happened to romance, it’s like an endangered species or writing long hand letters. I’m so over guys just wanting to “hook up” or “have fun.” I mean AS IF! lol

In addition, I don’t, nor will I ever disseminate ADULT themed photos or videos. I mean seriously I don’t even like looking at myself in mirrors let alone in my birthday suit. I mean honestly I would never judge you if you had them or if that is how you’ve made or make a living. However, personally it’s not who I am or who I’d ever want to be.

I never wanted to have to say this but I guess I’m going to have to. It’s as if I have to have to carry around this marquee: “Gentlemen, I haven’t, nor will I ever “have fun” via web cam or compromise myself for your instant gratification. If this is what you’re looking for please take your penis and the rest of you elsewhere because I’m not the one for you.” I’m confident that I WILL be someone, someday and I don’t want to have to be faced with a scandal or a media blitz that encourages the nation to condemn me. I think it’s difficult enough being me just attempting to takes those steps out the confines of my room.

Also, I think that it’s a huge obstacle when ladies also of a trans persuasion, proliferate the overly sexualized persona just for the attention. If you don’t mind please put some clothes on, there is a lot more to me [us] than sex. I’m just saying, again NOT judging. These are purely my opinions.

At the end of the tirade, I’m searching for someone to love and respect who will also love and respect me in return. Is that really too much to ask? I mean, when asking God for love, he doesn’t exactly hand you the perfect person, he gives you the opportunity to love. Will I ever find my opportunity?

In my first blog entry: Maybe, One Day. I introduced the closest thing to a real relationship I’ve ever really had; the straight, gun toting, cynical, military man. A while ago I posed the question of what men are looking for, and as a man he couldn’t begin to know, but did state “unfortunately penis isn’t exactly my thing…” Honestly my mind shuttered at the thought, I’d never want it to be his thing. I never wanted him to think of me as that foreign extremity. Then like the obsessive person I tend to become, I started to dissect his response… from the word unfortunately to the all confusing ellipses. My mind is seriously damaged… cause I heart him (tear) and he knows it, but whatever. Le sigh.

Anyways so back on track lol… Loosing your virginity… it’s kinda sad if you think about it. Biblically speaking, it’s a “gift” that is supposed to be shared in wed-lock. I guess that’s just another prerequisite that strikes fear… the Catholic guilt or whatever. The cards keep stacking against me, maybe I’ll forever be one of those people… what are they called hmm oh yeah Virgins.

That last part seems to be difficult. Diving into the deep end I try to keep an open mind but I don’t know maybe I just have to find the infamous “ONE” people are always talking about. A loving, somewhat spiritual, friend, and maybe one day, more.  Is that really so much to ask? I mean, everyone deserves to be Loved, right? Right? Le sigh.

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